Scattered Words

A Different Kind of Vacation

Kathleen's post on "A Different Kind of Vacation" today got me thinking ... I'm not on vacation by any means (though I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, I envisioned my time at home being much more relaxing, and being able to accomplish sooo much more!  Ha!  Little did I know ...)  but there are things I can be doing to make myself happier. 

- Make time for quiet time. I used to read my Bible during my breaks at work but now that I'm home all the time, it's hard to find a consistent time for - well, anything, really! I have to do it while Topher sleeps but when he's asleep I'm either sleeping too, or showering, or cleaning ... I need to make reading my Bible more of a priority.

- Stop stressing about the cleanliness of our condo. Clean less, write more!

- Borrow Nathan's guitar while he's at work. I used to play ... used to write ... but I've gotten away from it in the past few years, mostly due to the crazy hectic pace of my life since getting married! Things are still crazy hectic, what with Topher and all, but honestly? This is probably the most relaxed my life is going to be for awhile. I might as well take advantage of it!

- Spend time with adults! Our church doesn't really have any "mommy groups" but I know a few other moms in the neighbourhood so maybe we can get together every week or two, even if it's just to take our babies for a walk or something. Topher talks non-stop but baby chatter isn't the same as actual adult conversation!!!

- Spend time with friends who aren't moms. I don't want my whole life to become "mom-world". I'm more than just a mom!

- Ride more. Obviously I'm in no shape to ride every day but even twice a week, 20 minutes each time, would make me feel heaps better about things. I had planned to show in September but that is SO not going to happen. I've moved my goal to March 2011 instead. Maybe by then we'll be ready to show in a couple of walk/trot classes at one of Amberlea's dressage schooling shows?

I've also come up with a list of little mini-projects to keep me busy ... things like organizing our photos into albums, making a recipe box and getting rid of all the crappy cookbooks we never use, learning how to cook new things (like mashed potatos!  Anyone have a recipe?), trying all the recipes from a cookie cookbook my grandma bought me when I was in high school, writing more letters to friends and family ...

 

I think now I'm actually excited about the next 9 months at home instead of dreading them :D  It's hard to believe my little pickle will be 11 weeks old tomorrow!  Wow ... 

Ariel

I was thinking the other day that it's been a looong time since I've posted anything about Ariel - probably because she's been more or less neglected since, oh, January-ish or so!  She had sore feet for the last few months of winter thanks to being outside all the time and not wearing shoes with pads (she has to be tranquilized to have shoes put on and it's too traumatizing - for me and her! - so since I knew I wouldn't be riding her anyway, I didn't bother!) so apart from being groomed a couple of times a week and turned out in the arena, I didn't really do a whole lot with her.  Then Topher came along ... and although I've been able to ride her a grand total of three times since May 14th - well, I still feel like she's being neglected!  Before I got pregnant I rode at least four times a week so this whole getting to the barn one night a week - if even that often! - business royally stinks. 

Anyway, to introduce Miss Ariel ... she's a 12 year-old solid bred (is that the politically correct term now?  They're always changing it!) paint mare and I've had her since she was a scrawny six-month-old.  I like to say that she's that "once in a lifetime horse" that you're perfectly matched to - our personalities are so alike, it's ridiculous!  She's definitely not a push-button horse, by any means, even though I trained her myself!  She's got a mind of her own and a crazy sense of humour which makes riding her a challenge every time - but it's almost always fun (not when she's throwing temper tantrums!), so I don't mind!  I'd rather ride her than a perfectly obedient horse any day :D 

Playing Catch-Up!

Do you ever feel like it's been so long since you've blogged, and that so much has happened since your last post - that you don't know where to begin in an update?  Or if you should even bother to catch everyone up on what's been going on? 

That's exactly how I feel this afternoon.

First of all, I want to thank you guys for your supportive, encouraging e-mails and comments regarding my last post.  I love and appreciate each and every one of you :D  Things kind of came to a head Thursday when Topher got his two month vaccinations - and Nathan had to be at church right after.  Naturally Topher woke up and started screaming right after Nathan left - and it was about two hours of non-stop baby shrieking before I could actually get a hold of Nathan to come home and bring some infant Tylenol, STAT.  That stuff put him to sleep amazingly (!!) but he's still all out of sorts.  The poor little muffin ... Nathan and I have talked a lot since then - about him cutting back on a few commitments, staying home more, being more involved in the whole parenting gig so I can have a break every now and then.   I love Topher but I know I need some time away from him - time with adults! - so I can be rejuvenated and take better care of him.  And that's not wrong ... right?  Right :)   

And now, a brief update (the bullet points edition):

- My parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephew from New Brunswick were here a couple of weeks ago, staying with my sister in Calgary.  Nathan and I drove down Saturday afternoon and spent Saturday night and most of Sunday with them.  Between me and my two sisters, we have five children three and under - it was absolute chaos, but a lot of fun :)  Here's a less than fantastic picture of us: 

That's Meredith and Kyle, me and Topher, Erin and Liana, Cayleigh, and Caden's leg is sticking up between Meredith and I.  (Stop laughing.  The kid's a nut!)

- I rode for about 20 minutes last Wednesday!  It hurt, especially when Ariel decided the horseshoe pit was a dragon, dropped her shoulder, spun around, and tried to take off on me.  And when she threw a temper tantrum when I wouldn't let her put her head down to eat the grass on the lawn.  And when she trotted for about five strides.  I know I've got a loooong way to go to get back in shape but that ride was so much better than the one before it (when she got her head down to eat and I couldn't get it back up - and I haven't had that problem with a horse since I was 11 years old, riding a 16.2hh obese quarter horse!).  So I feel a lot better about the whole thing.  More hopeful :)  I'm supposed to have a "lesson" (if you call 20 minutes of walking a lesson!) tonight but it looks like rain so it'll probably have to be rescheduled.   Like every other lesson we've tried to have since the first week of June.  Oh, what I wouldn't give to have an indoor arena ...

- Nathan and I left Topher with Nathan's parents on Saturday night and went to a movie ~ our first "real" date in more than 10 weeks!  It was fun to be "us" again, without worrying about Topher for a couple of hours.  Of course, I worried ... being a mom is going to give me an ulcer!  I don't know that we'll leave him with them again for awhile, since he was a wee bit on the fussy side thanks to being overtired and under the weather from his needles.  They usually drag out their goodbyes because they don't want us to take Topher home but Saturday night they had him all packed and ready to go when we got there, like they couldn't send him home fast enough!  Oh well.  Hopefully they've forgotten the bad experience by next Monday, since it's our second anniversary and we've got enough left on our gift card for the Keg to go for dessert :) 

I hear Topher murmering sweet nothings to his beloved mobile so I'm assuming he's finished with his nap.  (Seriously, that thing gets more cooing and smiles than Nathan and I combined!)  Thus ends my update!  Hopefully I'll get back to "regular" blogging this week.  And finish the tweaking/switch to Wordpress I was supposed to finish two weeks ago.  Aw, who am I kidding ... setting deadlines for myself?  When I have a 10-week-old?  That's just wishful thinking ... I'll leave you with a picture of my little jedi.  He's destined to be a nerd ...

 

On ... Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

I haven't blogged in awhile ... really blogged, I mean.  Memes don't count.  I've been in a major (and I do mean MAJOR!) blue funk for the past few weeks.  I've been debating whether or not to write about it - either on here or in my offline journal - because putting my thoughts and feelings into words makes it seem worse somehow.  Like I'm admitting to the fact that I'm a horrible person - evil and inadequate, even a bad Christian - all because I'm not exactly enjoying this whole "being a stay-at-home mom" business. 

I've actually had to delete all the mommy blogs in my reader because they've been making me feel absolutely awful.  Do all women want to be stay-at-home moms?  Do all women absolutely love it?  How do they find time to take care of their children - who always look incredibly happy in the pictures! - and cook and clean and have time for their husbands and friends and run home businesses?  What am I doing wrong?   

In my defense, "being a mom" was never on my "life to-do list", if you know what I mean.  I actually didn't want to have kids until I married Nathan - and even then, we were both kind of in the whole "if it happens, it happens" mindset for the first year.  When we did decide to actually try to have a baby - well, neither of us expected it to happen quite so quickly.  And by "quickly" I mean the first time we actually sat down and counted out the days.  We figured we'd have at least a few months - for some people it takes years! - but no.  Incredibly fertile - that's us!

Originally the plan was for me to stay home with Topher for the first 6 months and Nathan stay home with him for the last 6 months.  Nathan's amazing with kids - he would absolutely LOVE to be a stay at home dad!  But when we looked at our finances, it just didn't make sense, since he makes significantly more than I do and living in Alberta isn't cheap!  Which means I'm a stay-at-home mom until at least May of next year. 

I've been feeling like I'm under a lot of pressure lately.  I say "feeling like I'm under a lot of pressure" because Nathan always tells me that most of the pressure I feel is being put on me by other people is actually just perceived pressure - which means I'm just putting a whole lot of pressure on myself.  Which makes sense, I suppose ... 

I've been feeling like there's something wrong with me for wanting to go back to work.  For not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom.  For not remotely enjoying this phase of my life. 

See, I have two older sisters - Meredith and Erin.  Meredith went to school for eons and has her Masters in Biorganic Chemistry.  We're talking genius material here - She graduated high school with something like a 99% average, went through university on full scholarship, and scored a 97 on her MCATs - but all she's ever wanted to do her whole life is be a stay-at-home mom, which she is now.  It helps that she lives in New Brunswick (the cost of living there is a LOT less than it is in Alberta!) and that her husband owns 70+ restaurants across Canada - so she doesn't have to work.  Good for her. 

Erin was an RN - and for awhile, she loved her job! - but when she started having kids she decided to let her certification run out and stay at home with her kids.  And she loves it!  Again I say Good for her! Her plan is to go back to school once her kids are a little bit older so she can upgrade and then she'll go back to work. 

Nathan and I aren't financially able to be a one income family, at least not while we're living in Alberta.  Once my maternity leave is over, I'll be working - whether my boss agrees to let me work from home and I do the mom thing in the daytime and type medical reports in the evening or I find something else to work at in the evenings - I will be working.  And both of my sisters seem to think that's borderline "cruel" to "poor little Topher".  Nathan and I have already decided not to put him in daycare (it would eat up more than two thirds of my monthly income so it's not really worth it!) so I'll either be working from home or working in the evenings and Nathan will be taking care of Topher - but apparently that's still not good enough, since "a baby needs his mother" and if I'm working from home I "won't be paying enough attention to my child and do I want him to be raised by the television?" 

That being said, I guess I should mention that my mom worked from home when my sisters and I were young and it was horrible.  She hated her job so we learned some pretty interesting words when we were young!  We didn't really spend a lot of time with our mom - for that and other reasons - when we were kids and it's definitely affected our relationships with her ...

Nathan's mom has also been fairly vocal with her opinions.  Apparently she tried to work when her boys were young but they hated daycare.  Particularly her youngest, who she swears is as cynical about life as he is because of daycare. 

Sigh. 

And I've been feeling a lot of pressure from the church.  At our church, women don't work when they have kids.  They just don't.  Our church happens to be a rather large church full of rather wealthy families.  Seriously, the weekly offering - which should be roughly 10% of the income of everyone in the church, if everyone is tithing (which they aren't, but just to give you an idea of the money in the church!) - is more than Nathan and I combined would make in five years.  So obviously a lot of the women don't need to work.  But that doesn't mean they should frown upon those of us who do, ya know?  None of the pastor's wives work, except the senior pastor's wife (she's the children's pastor).  Nathan's in leadership so I feel like it's just assumed I'm going to stay at home and take care of the kids while he's busy with his ministry.  And that staying at home and taking care of the kids has all of a sudden become my ministry.  And I have to give everything else - my other ministries - up.  And I'm not okay with that.  Does that make me a bad Christian? 

I love Topher.  Don't get me wrong!  I love spending time with him, and right now I'm glad I don't have to be at work.  I don't want to miss anything!  I'm the one who got to see his first real smile and who gets to hear his first little giggle.  I'm the one who's on hand for his first discovery of his hands and his first experience of sucking his thumb.  I get to watch all his wacky facial expressions - whether he's awake or asleep - and I'm the one who knows all his favourites.  His favourite book.  His favourite songs.  His favourite toys.  His favourite words (the ones that make him grin!).  I'm his mom - and I wouldn't trade that for the world!

But sometimes I guess I miss ... BEING ME.  Having a life of my own that doesn't revolve around him.  I've found myself actually resenting Nathan for being able to wake up at 6:30 am every day, hop in the shower, and head off to work, just like normal.  I resent the fact that he gets to sleep at night and gets to have actual adult conversation all day.  He gets to go out without the baby - almost every night of the week, it seems, what with all his church responsibilities.  (Which are even more now that Rob has resigned, but I won't go into that.  This post is long enough as it is!)  I don't have time for anything anymore.  I'm lucky if I shower every other day.  When Topher's as fussy as he's been this past week (oh, the joys of growth spurts!) I hardly get to eat - and if I do, it's cold and by myself because I have to calm the baby down while Nathan eats before he goes off to band practice or a meeting with Rob or whatever it is that day.  I don't get time to write.  Most days I only get to read blogs that are linked to twitter which I only access on my cell phone while Topher's eating.  That's when I check my facebook, too :)  And forget commenting or replying to messages ... My friends probably think I'm stuck up because I'm always ignoring them!

And riding isn't likely to happen any time soon ... which obvoiusly also adds to the blue funk.  I didn't blog about the whole labour and delivery process because honestly, that's just too much information (!!) - but I will say that it was more than slightly traumatic.  My doctor thought Topher would be 6 lbs 2 oz and he ended up being 8 lbs 13 oz - coming out of a 5'2'' woman whose pre-pregnancy weight was approximately 90 lbs.  Use your imagination.  He got stuck, the doctor got him out - but sitting in a saddle (even Isabell!) isn't the most comfortable thing I've ever experienced.  Even 9 weeks later.  Add to that the fact that I have absolutely no stomach muscles and no butt muscles (I can't keep Ariel from putting her head down to eat and I haven't had that problem since I was eleven years old and riding a 16.2hh horse) - well, let's just say the topic of selling Ariel has come up a few times in the past 9 weeks.  I can't ride and have no idea when I'll be able to again - if I'll even have the time! - and board isn't cheap. 

It's just ... not what I expected.  Not that I really knew what to expect ...

Maybe I just need a vacation? 

Killerney Dressage Show

A couple of weeks ago Nathan and I took Topher to his first horse show:  a dressage schooling show at Killerney Farms that some of our friends were riding in. 

Here's Brooklyn and Spunky: 

Char and Leo:

Erin and Kai (and yes, I'm still in love with this horse!)

Michelle and Neo (the horse Nathan rides in lessons):

Taylor and Night:

And of course, Topher:

 

He was such a good boy, he slept for about half of the time we were there and spent the rest of the time charming everyone who came by to peek into his stroller.  He's practically a celebrity!  

New Layout! Well, Kind Of ...

So I *finally* changed my layout a teensy little bit.  If you don't see something like this:

then you're using the wrong url, and should change it to http://scattered-words.net.  (Please update any links accordingly.  Adding the "www" makes a huge difference!!!)   If you never look at the actual site and just read my blog through google reader, then nothing needs to change.  Yet.  I'll be switching things over to Wordpress either this week or next so you'll have to update your readers then, but I'll keep all three of you loyal readers posted :)  I'll be tweaking things until then too, so please disregard any broken links or other ghetto-ishness.   

More of Topher's Expressions ...

I was looking through the pictures we have on our computer and I came across this one of Topher that I just had to share:

He's so dramatic ...

A real post is coming one of these days, I swear!  I've just been ... not in the greatest frame of mind, shall we say.   This whole "mom" thing?  It's not what I expected, to say the least.  I mean, I knew it would be a huge change, I knew my life would be different - but I feel like I've completely lost ME.  All I am now is a mom - and I'm not okay with that.  But I guess I'll share more of what I've been dealing with whenever I manage to find time to sit down and actually write about it ...

Who I Am (Today)

 

I am ...

... looking forward to Lindsay's wedding shower tonight.  (Lindsay's in the picture above!) Well, to be more accurate, I'm looking forward to Lindsay's wedding shower tonight, and a couple of hours without Topher!  As much as I love my little pickle, I need a break.  I'm leaving Nathan with a bottle and detailed instructions for bathtime and bedtime and I'm going out!  Sad, that I'm so excited to be going to a shower where I don't really know anyone apart from the bride-to-be and my mother-in-law ... 

... loving Anthropologie, though I highly doubt I'll ever be able to bring myself to purchase anything from there.  $200 for a dress?  No thanks ...

... also loving the summer weather we've been getting lately and enjoying the opportunity to experiment with the smoothie maker we got as a wedding gift :)

... riding again after being off since October. (!!!)  No, I'm not completely healed, and no, I don't have my doctor's permission (she actually told me to wait another 6 weeks ...) - but oh well.  The exciting thing?  Nathan was planning to stop riding once I started up again (since he was originally only doing it to keep Ariel in shape) but he's decided he likes it too much - so we're both taking lessons :D  I knew I'd turn him into a horse nut ...

... itching to redecorate our condo.  I say "redecorate" but I really mean decorate, period - we haven't really done any decorating since we moved in and that was almost two years ago.  Seriously, we have one picture on the living room wall and one in our room and that's it.  I want to make it homey!

... counting down the days until my family gets here!  I haven't seen my parents and oldest sister since the first week of May last year.

... finally starting to feel "caught up" when it comes to having a clean house.  Everything was spotless before Topher was born but since getting home from the hospital it's been an absolute disaster.  I still need to do some serious purging but at least the kitchen, living room and dining room are more or less presentable.  Most of the time ...

... thankful for all the baby shower gifts Topher's received in the past few weeks but not at all keen on writing thank-you cards.  It's like our wedding all over again, but this time I know NOT to give any cards to Nathan to write on.  He found some from our wedding in his desk at work about three months ago that he had never finished/mailed - we got married in August of 2008.  Yeah.

... slowly working away on my website!  (Switching to Wordpress, a new layout, and other exciting things ...) I only get time to work on it when Topher naps in the afternoon, hence the "slowly" ... maybe I'll be finished with it by the time I go back to work next spring?  Of course, by then I'll be bored with the layout I'm working on ...  

Idea filched from Your Wishcake.

 

Smiles!

 

My boy started smiling last week!  This isn't the greatest picture - I can't seem to grab the camera quick enough! -  but you get the general idea of how cute his little grin is!  He smiles for both Nathan and me but his biggest smile - the one where he absolutely beams - is reserved for the lamp in our living room.   Heaven forbid we ever let the bulb burn out ...

Uncertainty

Found in one of my journals from 2005, when I had just dropped out of the college I had moved across the country to attend and had absolutely no idea what was next:

"Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing ... Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life;  gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth.  This is generally said with a sign of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation."  (Oswald Chambers)