An Excerpt from my Journal

I’m afraid of a lot of things. Spiders. Tornados. Parking garages.

Lately I’ve come to realize something I fear even more: not being in control.

Three phrases I’ve heard over and over throughout the past three weeks – from family, friends, and my doctor:

“It’s not your fault.”

“These things happen.” and

“There’s nothing you can do.”

None of which I find remotely comforting.

I wish I had a reason – any reason – for why it happened.

And of course, by “any reason” – I mean something I can control.

I’ve been trying to eat healthier. Exercise more. Get more rest.

Control whatever I can control in the hopes that next time – if there is a next time – it won’t end in miscarriage.

But I know I’m not in control. I can do all the right things – I can eat properly, exercise, take good care of myself – but I know that God is in control. I know that.

It’s just a lesson that I seem to need to learn over and over and over. 

I clue in – let Him be in charge for awhile – maybe a day. Maybe a week. Usually only a few seconds … and then I start reaching for the reins. “No, God. Let me do it.”

As if the Creator of the Universe doesn’t know what He’s doing. 

Job 38:4 – 38 (NLT)
4 “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
5 Who determined its dimensions
and stretched out the surveying line?
6 What supports its foundations,
and who laid its cornerstone
7 as the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
8 “Who kept the sea inside its boundaries
as it burst from the womb,
9 and as I clothed it with clouds
and wrapped it in thick darkness?
10 For I locked it behind barred gates,
limiting its shores.
11 I said, ‘This far and no farther will you come.
Here your proud waves must stop!’
12 “Have you ever commanded the morning to appear
and caused the dawn to rise in the east?
13 Have you made daylight spread to the ends of the earth,
to bring an end to the night’s wickedness?
14 As the light approaches,
the earth takes shape like clay pressed beneath a seal;
it is robed in brilliant colors.[b]
15 The light disturbs the wicked
and stops the arm that is raised in violence.
16 “Have you explored the springs from which the seas come?
Have you explored their depths?
17 Do you know where the gates of death are located?
Have you seen the gates of utter gloom?
18 Do you realize the extent of the earth?
Tell me about it if you know!
19 “Where does light come from,
and where does darkness go?
20 Can you take each to its home?
Do you know how to get there?
21 But of course you know all this!
For you were born before it was all created,
and you are so very experienced!
22 “Have you visited the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of hail?
23 (I have reserved them as weapons for the time of trouble,
for the day of battle and war.)
24 Where is the path to the source of light?
Where is the home of the east wind?
25 “Who created a channel for the torrents of rain?
Who laid out the path for the lightning?
26 Who makes the rain fall on barren land,
in a desert where no one lives?
27 Who sends rain to satisfy the parched ground
and make the tender grass spring up?
28 “Does the rain have a father?
Who gives birth to the dew?
29 Who is the mother of the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens?
30 For the water turns to ice as hard as rock,
and the surface of the water freezes.
31 “Can you direct the movement of the stars—
binding the cluster of the Pleiades
or loosening the cords of Orion?
32 Can you direct the sequence of the seasons
or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens?
33 Do you know the laws of the universe?
Can you use them to regulate the earth?
34 “Can you shout to the clouds
and make it rain?
35 Can you make lightning appear
and cause it to strike as you direct?
36 Who gives intuition to the heart
and instinct to the mind?
37 Who is wise enough to count all the clouds?
Who can tilt the water jars of heaven
38 when the parched ground is dry
and the soil has hardened into clods?

Why do I WANT to be in control?

I’m much better off in God’s hands …