Fear and Faith

When I found out I was pregnant, my initial reaction wasn't one of excitement, it was one of fear. I remember thinking to myself, "If I can just make it past the point of the miscarriage, then I can be happy."

Six weeks came and went, and instead of relaxing and getting excited about my pregnancy, I told myself "If I can just make it to the end of the first trimester, then it'll be safe to relax a little bit.

Thirteen weeks came and went. We told our families, we told a few close friends. I had my first OB appointment and started showing a little bit. Things started to feel real - but I still wasn't excited about being pregnant.

Last Friday I had my anatomy scan. We had already had two ultrasounds, so it wasn't the first time I had seen the baby - but it was the first time I was able to see the baby in 3D. I was able to see the chambers of the beating heart, fingers and toes, facial features - and I was able to see that this baby is indeed a stubborn little thing, since it refused to cooperate for the technician to get her measurements even after an hour of poking, prodding, and countless position changes on my part.

I watched Nathan's face while he watched the ultrasound. He's been just as guarded as I have when it comes to this pregnancy, but I could see him relax. He couldn't stop grinning all weekend - he's a proud papa! I decided it was finally time for me to relax too, and I started to let myself get excited. We actually went shopping and picked out a sleeper for the baby!

I had my second OB appointment on Tuesday. It was supposed to be a quick check-up with time to go over the ultrasound, but since the baby hadn't cooperated I figured it would just be a simple in-and-out appointment.

I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken - then the nurse handed me a requisition form for another ultrasound, this time in December, at 28 weeks. No explanation - just the word "kidneys" written down.

And fear started creeping back in.

When my doctor arrived, he did his exam, then sat down to talk about the ultrasound. Apparently Baby's kidneys were full "on the high end of normal" (whatever the heck that means ...) - it could turn into something, or it could resolve itself by the 28 week mark. He didn't seem concerned - he said he sees it all the time in his practice and it's only ever amounted to something twice, the rest of the time it resolves on its own. He was in a hurry so I didn't press it, but now I'm wishing I had asked more questions.

It could be "nothing" - but it could be something.

And by "something", it could mean anything from Baby might have frequent UTIs during the early years to Baby might need surgery soon after birth to Baby might have Down’s syndrome. We're hoping to know more on Friday, as long as the technician can get all the measurements she needs, and we'll know even more in December, when we have the more specialized ultrasound.

I'm terrified of the unknown.

I have two post-it notes stuck to my computer at work. One reads "If you have time to worry about it, you have time to pray about it!" and the other says "Be a WARRIOR - not a WORRIER."

It’s hard.

The thing I keep reminding myself is that it doesn’t matter. Nathan and I already love the little bean, and that’s not something that is going to change. God knows what He’s doing.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t rest a little easier if He’d let me in on His plan in this case, though!