Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a story.
At least, not a story worth telling. I’m just a mom. What do I have to say that means anything to anybody?
I used to be somebody else.
I was the girl who spent almost an entire year working to earn enough money to spend three weeks in northern Africa to tell people there about Jesus.
I was the girl who got a degree in economics (economics!) because she wanted to help impoverished countries get out of debt.
I was the girl who spent more than six years mentoring youth in schools, churches, and a ranch for inner city kids.
I was the girl who studied both equine science and youth ministry to gain the necessary knowledge to open a youth ranch of her own.
I was the girl who planned every step according to what she thought she would do in the future.
I had a plan: I was a girl who wanted to change the world.
But now I’m a mom. I spend my days cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, and wiping crumbs off the kitchen table. I juggle playdates, birthday parties, hockey practices and appointments around my work, which helps pay the bills but doesn’t change the world.
Some days I feel like I have no plan beyond survival, but still …
I love my life. My days are good. My days are full.
But lately I’ve been learning something. Hearing something, in the whispers of my soul.
“You have a purpose.”
“You have a purpose – beyond your husband and children.”
In Matthew 10:37-38, Jesus says this: “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” (NIV)
Every time I read that passage, I feel a little twinge in my conscience. I love my kids. Of course I love my kids!
Do I love them more than Jesus?
No! Of course not!
But wait …
I lost myself when my children were born.
I lost my story, and replaced it with theirs.
On the other side of the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink – I’m still the same girl I was, all those years ago.
I still have the same gifts and the same passions … they’re just buried under the piles of laundry in the basement!
Being a mom is not a reason to abandon my purpose.
It’s not an excuse.
My identity is in Jesus. My identity is not in my role as a wife and mother.
When I stand before God at the end of time it won’t be as “Nathan’s wife” or “Topher and Ellie’s mom”. It will be as me.
I still want to change the world.
I have no idea what that looks like or what the future holds, but for now, my plan is to just do the next thing. Just do the work – and see what happens.