Oh Me of Little Faith

Something tells me I’m going about this all wrong.

Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of excitement! Expectation! Joy!

And for most people, I’m guessing that’s exactly what it is.

But for me? Not so much.

I have an appointment with my OB this afternoon, and so far today’s been just like every other day I have a baby-related appointment: I feel sick to my stomach. What will the doctor tell us is wrong today? 

I worried when I was pregnant with Topher too, but it was nothing like this. Then, there was no real reason to worry – and I knew that.

But now I have a better idea of what can go wrong. 

On Friday I will be at 24 weeks – and so far, Petunia (don’t worry, that’s just her womb name!) has three articles of clothing: A onesie/slipper set Topher picked out for her, a sleeper Nathan and I purchased the day we found out we were having a girl, and another onesie Nathan’s mom bought for her this past weekend. When I was 24 weeks pregnant with Topher, he already had two dressers full of clothes and a shelf filled with books and toys. I had a list of baby items we needed to purchase and we drove around the city almost every weekend, checking things off the list.

But this time – I’m afraid.

Nathan and I have talked about it and he’s admitted that he’s feeling the same way. He says he’s “prepared for the worst”. I don’t think either one of us feel “attached” to this little one, because neither of us are really expecting to meet her in March.

And that’s just ridiculous.

Okay, so the first trimester was a bit on the difficult side – but at this point, my doctor has absolutely no concerns. He mentioned the potential kidney issue at my last appointment but he also reassured us that Petunia’s kidneys are normal, but since they’re “on the high side of normal” he has to check with another ultrasound at 28 weeks just to make sure everything is still okay. It’s something he “sees all the time” and that “has only resulted in something serious twice” in his entire practice. Nothing to worry about. Right? Right.

So I don’t know why I’m still dwelling on it ...

I remember reading somewhere that the words “Do not be afraid” appear in one form or another 365 times in the Bible. I’m not sure that’s accurate – but it’s comforting nonetheless.

Now if only I could tattoo it on my brain …